Certainly, it is impossible to fully prepare any new parent for the journey that they are about to embark upon. However, when you compound that with every doctor trying to sell you their favorite home remedy, every baby book leaving out vital details or telling you to buy the products from every corporation trying to sell you their new, miracle crying cure that they’re just begging Oprah to shill and later turns out to be made of Chinese irradiated, lead embalmed, reconstituted brains from hoof-in-mouth cows, a new parent can end up very confused indeed. (Much like you probably are after wading through that sentence.)
Lets take a look at Babies R’ Us’ “baby needs checklist”.
stationary entertainer???
I’m going to tell you a secret here, we own about a quarter of that stuff. We own that little of their needs checklist and (as of this writing), our baby has yet to explode. Now, I am a father of only a six week old, and I suppose that in my inexperience it is completely possible that there will come a day that I touch an improperly warmed baby wipe (due to our lack of the proper warming device, you see.), and my baby will immediately crash, undoubtedly requiring a full format and restore. However, I put that in the “Highly Unlikely” category, right below “Genghis Kahn showing up to take the baby for just a night.”, and just above “actually having enough clean dishes to see the bottom of the sink for more than a night.”.
It is though, very easy to convince new parents that they absolutely must have the Stroller/baby carrier with pivoting chair, rear view mirrors, vibrating, heated seat, all terrain wheels, onboard point defense anti missile system, and oil slick dropper. The companies that produce these things are very lucky to have their chosen demographic. Parents to be are scared, nervous animals; eager for items to purchase that will alleviate their many fears. New parents are much the same but with the added, special sauce that we like to call “desperation”. You remember how it was in highschool? Where the object of your affections first ignored you, then had her boyfriend beat you up, installed barbed wire on the tree outside her window, and finally filed that restraining order that still keeps you out of that damn grocery store in Colorado Springs, all because you reeked of the perfume of desperation. Bitch.
Anyway, the point is that these companies are the exact opposite of that. Upon smelling your pregnancy, they will be all over you like flies on ca-ca. I’m fully convinced that most major pregnancy tests contain little RFID chips that notify companies of positive results on said tests, and within days, you’re awash in Similac samples, ads for sales at Babies R’ Us, and dollar off coupons for diapers at Target. (I’m fairly sure that this was developed by the same company that knows to send Victoria’s Secret catalogs to houses the very second the male children in them hit puberty.) My daughter got her first junk mail before she got her social security number. The only demographic that comes close to being such complete suckers are people about to get married. You know you didn’t need that baby seal skin wedding guest album, and you do feel kind of bad, but dammit it was the only one that went with the churches candelabra.
Now, honestly, it is nice enough to get free stuff every now and again, but I don’t want to feed our kid Simulac. Sorry, the baby on your packaging is creepy, and I don’t want your crap in my baby. Were I less ornery though, and more trusting of companies than I am, I could easily see myself pouring those samples down my daughter’s milk vacuum at the witching hour when I just need her to be quiet.
This stuff is everywhere, buffeting parents left and right until they’re so confused they’re finally forced to pick any port in the storm, trying the entire time to convince other parents to join them so that they feel validated in their choices (and doing the company’s advertising for them in the process.) . So when an “authority” such as Babies R Us, or “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, rises above all the others on the shoulders of those parents, more and more people will cling to it, or at very least default to it. Therefore, I think said sources bear a responsibility for providing you with more actual information than advertisements, more facts, and less checklists for Crap You Do Not Need. A real checklist needs to look like this.
boob(s) is really sort of extravagant, actually.
See the difference? I knew you would.
Special Baby Update Section:
A yeast infection of the mouth. That, in a nutshell, is what Thrush is. Last week, our happy baby exploded (oh man I knew I should have bought that wipe warmer!) in fury and rage. Well, as much fury and rage as someone who can’t control their limbs can do so. No amount of “Cuddle Cure” is going to work when one of the chief steps involved (sucking) is the primary source of discontent. Thrush is apparently, “just one of those things that happens to some babies” such as gas, or constipation, or lycanthropy. However, as an astute person, I noticed that it miraculously appeared just after her father gave her her first bottle of formula.
Feeling like you’ve failed or somehow harmed your own child is one of the worst, most unhappy things I’ve ever felt, and I can get pretty emo…
But really, sometimes you just need to accept that you goof up, and you forget to wash a bottle’s nipple after dropping it in the toilet (kidding!!!), and move on.
Ultimately, babies, like their wolf and bear ancestors, are fairly logical creatures. They function on a simple tenant that they have some core needs, and if those core needs are not met, they cause other beings physical harm (wolves bite, bears claw, babies sonic blast.). To that end, I have developed some tools to provide babies with those core needs in as efficient a manner possible, some of which I will share with you for your own use and defense.
This is a flowchart that you can use to troubleshoot a crying baby. You’ll find that it is fairly logical, and takes you on a step by step journey that hopefully ends with a satisfied baby, wolf, bear, or possibly your laptop I don’t know
theory
However, I have to be honest with you, it really ends up working out like this;
reality
I wish you the best of luck, and have a happy Thanksgiving should you so choose to celebrate it.
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