A way with words.

Learning to speak is one of the most exciting parts of a child's development. Oh certainly partly because you're starting to get a glimpse as to the thought processes and opinions and ideas that make up this little person you've been really wanting to get to *know* so badly. But there's also another, lesser known aspect of the whole process. The sense of adventure.

Few parents know what exactly they're getting into when bringing a developing one or two year old into the public sphere. What makes this truly dangerous is the fact that your child's sponge like brain is absorbing everything at a disturbing rate. Even, almost especially, things you don't pay attention to in your everyday speech.

You already know the basic idea that this article is built on, little kids pick up words that you don't want them to say.

It just takes once, really. When changing a diaper, you accidentally dip your finger in the peanut butter-like sludge that leaks from your child on a regular schedule, and the next thing you know, she's happily trotting up to things and saying "DAMMIT!" It happens to everyone, and not only is it not new or special, for the most part its also incredibly easy to correct.




oh god, we don't own any peanut butter...

Specifically, you use a counter-phrase. Kids in general simply want two things, attention and praise. In this case, you simply need to convince them that "Dammit" is the improper pronunciation of "Dangit", and when she says "Dangit" you praise her, and everyone wins.
These counter-phrases diffuse almost all inappropriate words…

This wouldn't be a very interesting read though, if it were that easy. And honestly raising kids would be cake if that's all it took to change a kid's mind.

Counter-phrases are fantastic things in select situations, but they don’t always work. There are plenty of times in your child's life that they'll simply incorporate your great idea into material they'll use for the book they'll write and later split the profits with the therapist.

For example;

Apparently, my wife and I apologize a lot. This is something that I kind of already knew. But nothing in this world has been able to highlight it quite like my daughter bumping into my leg and saying in her tiny, adorable voice, "sory."

At first of course this seems like a great thing, what a polite little girl you say. And you smile. But then, you notice her saying it, a lot. She'll say it when it is not appropriate to say, she'll say it when it is *least* appropriate to say.

"sory." she says when trying to grab for something she shouldn't have.
"sory." she says when dropping a stuffed animal.
"sory." she says, when walking down the street and she trips .
"sory." she says, when playing quietly by herself, in the corner, facing the wall.

You, of course, being a parent, chuckle quietly to yourself and tell yourself that this is just a phase, and you take steps to correct it with a counter-phrase. How about "No, honey, it was my fault", as an example?
She learns this too, and now, when the nice cashier lady smiles and waves, she's treated to "sory, my faut."
Then, people stop smiling as much.
Instead, they turn their gaze to you, with a look that says "what have you done to this poor thing?"
And as subtly as possible ask for your drivers license while looking for the number for the police.






just insert dirty words any old fucking where.

There are other situations where a counter-phrase simply can't do the job, as the problem isn't the wrong word, its that little lips, throats and vocal chords simply cannot pronounce the proper words.

My daughter, genius though she is, still lives in a world where zoos are populated by "Arigadors" (alligators) and "Warus" (walrus). She eats "geddy" (spaghetti) and "chapup" (Ketchup), her favourite fruit seems to be "sawberries" (strawberries) and "balalas" (bananas). Most, but not all of these are easy enough to puzzle out, largely because at this stage, she can point and grab for what she wants, or what she's referring to.

This, non-parents, is why it seems like parents are able to understand what their kids are speaking. Sure there's a little bit of parent/kid translation, but mostly we just get used to it because by the time you see our little works-in-progress, they've already said "chapup" eight billion times…
…by breakfast.

There are, of course, certain times that this deficiency passes from the realm of cute or annoying into the downright embarrassing. Of course, even if you aren't a parent you've heard the stories or even heard children directly mispronounce "Truck" or "Frog" at the opportune moment for the 13 year old that lives in the back of your brain to pop up and giggle.




Oh yeah you're real mature.

Other words that provide a great deal of entertainment when shouted loudly in public:

Fog
Ship
Pitch

Essentially, think about words a 13 year old would use trying to get around the rules and your two year old is probably saying them "unintentionally". Finally then, you can come to the horrific conclusion I have… they're practicing.

But this is all a basic part of growing up, as we learn what is and is not appropriate in any given situation. So we are granted plenty "teachable moments" wherein our children get a chance to encounter these options.

You can imagine it now, you're walking through a Big Box retailer, because this is what you do with your days. (Big box stores are the entertaining, child-safe alternative for having a life.) This is the moment your little one has decided upon, the moment that you and she will learn together.

She reaches her hand up as far and as excited as she possibly can at her height and age. This happens to be about the realm of your crotch, and only a quick dodge can save you.

She then shouts excitedly at the latest object of her affection, just as the big box employee comes around the corner, to see you leaning over your daughter as she shouts.

"Very good" you say "that is indeed a clock."

"Next time, see if you can pronounce the 'L'".